All my life has ended in regrets.
Regrets swarm my mind as I remember all the mistakes
I have made in life.
The places I went at the wrong times,
The things that happened when I was there.
Regrets of things I have done.
And those that suffered because of my actions.
I made myself suffer.
I caused myself pain,
To stop the pain inside.
I delivered blow after blow,
Abusing my body to the point of collapse,
To keep myself from dying inside,
And yet I died anyway.

I was drawn down into darkness,
Trapped into a maze called my mind,
Living in agony,
Caged and leashed.
My soul was destroyed,
Killed by the bonds of myself.
Trapped and tortured,
Whipped and beaten,
Cut and mutilated,
Hurt beyond imagining,
By my own hands.
I did it all to myself.
Regrets again.

It is all I have ever known.
All I have ever seen.
My life is trapped in regrets.
Chained in bondage to myself.
I own me,
But who pulls the strings?
Not me.
I am my own Master,
But it is a false image.
Blinded by visors that shade the truth of my life.
I am the puppet,
Not the master.
I have been led my whole life,
Drawn from here to there,
And the person holding the stings,
Was me.

Thatís right,
I did it all to myself.
Hurt myself,
Beat myself,
Raped myself.
Raped my dignity,
My passion,
My life away from me.
It was all my fault.
Everything ever done to me,
Was my fault.
Regrets some more.

Nothing stops the regrets,
Nothing stands still the torment.
The blood runs down my face,
I feel another blow.
The hand rears back yet again,
And I cringe before it.
I know who is beating me,
I see the face,
The mad eyes.
I cower before them,
Desperate to stop the pain.
But no one hears the screams.
No one cares to help save me from her.
The screams fall on deaf silence.

Tears mix with blood.
Blood stains my face,
My body.
Blood everywhere.
Blood in my hair.
The blows continue.
The pain is an eternity.
Cruel, sadistic, torturous.

I hear a haunting laugh above me,
As I cringe and cower on the floor.
I know she kneels next to me,
Ready to strike again.
But I feel no blows land,
Hear no screams,
Only the cries from my battered and broken body.

I feel a hand caress my protective arm,
I feel a hand slide up my leg.
Gods above,
Will this never end?
Will this pain never go away?
Will she never stop?
No, she wonít.
I know it before I even finish the plea to The Gods.
I am her slave,
Owned by her.
By no one else.

I feel her spread my legs,
Violate my body a second way.
Her fingers sliding into me,
As I lay there and cry.
I canít even fight anymore,
I am too broken.
I have been beaten down my whole life.
She is my captor.
She is my abuser.
She is the one who prostitutes me before all.

I feel her fingers rubbing me,
Caressing me,
I feel them pleasing me.
Though I donít want her touch.
The pain,
The pleasure.
She hears a faint moan escape my lips,
And smiles,
Even as she strikes me across me the face.
I know this mixture of pain and pleasure.
I have often felt it before.

My torturer is a sadist.
To mix within me,
This much agony,
And still not stop.
She feels the climax rise,
The heated swelling inside.
And she strikes again.
Pain for pleasure.
Pleasure for pain.
Sadistic bitch that she is.

I see her face,
The pleasure in her eyes,
From abusing me,
Hurting me,
Teaching me to love the pain.
Teaching me to crave the pain.
Teaching me to want it.
More regrets.

Her face shines with a light little seen.
Her eyes flash with a glow never shown.
Her face,
My face.
Yes, she is me.
I am her.
My abuser,
My tormentor,
Is me.

I see my eyes,
As the pain rakes my body,
See my eyes,
And the climax overtakes me.
Raped and abused by my own hands.
Beaten and tortured by myself.

Until one comes to stop me,
Stop me from the abuse I bring down on myself.
Stop me from the pain I inflict on me.
Stop the sadistic, twistedness within me.
He is the salvation I have dreamed of,
And feared above all things.

He stops the pain that is inflicted,
Stops the tears that fall.
Wraps me up inside of protection,
Clings to me as if his life depends on me.
I am safe,
But can I truly stop abusing myself,
As I have always done?
Or, is he trying in vain
To keep me from my true nature?

I feel regrets at the pain caused,
Regrets at the soul wounds inflicted.
My whole life is regrets now.
Only I donít regret him.
I love him.
He has stopped the pain.
He has stopped the torture.
He has stopped the tears.
There are no more tears,
There is no more pain.
And it is only because of him.

I regret what I have done to myself.
Regret what I may yet do if given the chance.
Regret what is left in my life.
But I will never regret him.
Never regret us.
Never regret the protection he wraps me up inside.
Never regret feeling safe for the first time in my life.
I will not regret anymore.
Because I will never have another reason to.

Regrets are gone,
And I am left with none.

© Copyright 2004 Arcania | All rights reserved
Distribution of any content contained herein is prohibited without express written concent.