What makes a life good?
What makes someone want to be happy?
It is the desire to fulfill the fantasy we are raised with.
The fantasy that says this is happy and this is not.
Who cares about what is happy?
Who cares about what is not?
Why don't people decide for themselves what is happy?
Why are people sheep that need to be herded their whole lives?
Told how to live?
How to sleep?
How to eat?
How to love?
What to think?
What to feel?
Gods above, the thought makes me ill.
I don't care.
People are sick,
They are so silly.
I watch them everyday crawl and scrabble around their every day lives.
I laugh at them.
I can't help myself,
I laugh as hard as ever I could.
It is funny to me to see them make no sense.
To not know what they are doing,
Where they are going,
Why they are doing what they are doing.
I can't help myself.
The laughter just comes,
And I am swept away with it.
Carried away on the bliss of amusement.
People are so funny to me.
Their lives comical.
Their worries, their fears.
Petty, or even worse than petty.
Not worth the time to think about,
Much less worry about.
The life of a teenager especially is the funniest.
"He said, she said,
I like him,
Boo Hoo, Whaaa, he doesn't like me."
How annoying can you get?
How pathetic can one be?
Girls are worse with their comedy then men.
Girls worry and whine.
Beg boys to like them.
Throw themselves at them with no shame.
Hey listen up all you chicks out there,
Men are not worth throwing away your dignity over!
Get over it!
He does not like you,
And most likely will never change his mind!
Get it to sink in already.
Go run away and cry.
But damn, face reality chica.
Boys have no affection to give.
And that is all girls want.
They want to feel affection from boys.
Well damn it, take it from someone who knows the hard way.
They don't have any!
Open up them pretty little innocent eyes and see the truth.
There is nothing in this world that will last.
Believe yourself in love,
It will be gone in a week, a month, a year.
It won't last.
And when it is over,
You will wonder what the hell you ever thought you were thinking.
Why waste the damn energy killing yourself over something that is false?
Is it really worth that much trouble to try and be loved?
Da hell with it.
I can live without it.
I do not need it.
I do not want it.
I can do without love.
Live without tenderness.
To me it isn't that important.
I personally want more out of my life.
I want to do things in my life most people would never do.
I want the opportunity to see the things in this world I want to see.
Experience things that are good.
I have had enough of the bad.
Chicks of the world,
Grow up and live for yourself.
People call me manic.
They say manic depression is me.
What is depression?
Do they even know what they say I am?
Do they even have an idea of what they say I have?
I am not manic depressive.
I do not have depression.
I am hyper active.
How can one as hyper active as I am,
Be manic depressive?
It makes no sense to me.
Please explain it to me.
I would love to know what it is they say I have.
Cause it bugs me that someone would think I am this way,
When in reality I am not.
Yes, the fact that the entire world I know is silly,
And petty is disgusting to me.
I chose not to be that way.
I chose to want more in my life.
How can one call that depression?
I am not lonely.
I am not sad.
I am not longing for something I feel I will never find.
So I do not understand.
I am not depressed.
Just disgusted about the way the world is.
The sheep and the shepherd.
I am not the first,
And most likely am the second.
Is that a good thing?
I do not know.
The leader and not the follower.
To always lead,
And never follow.
It can be a burden,
It can get wearisome.
Do I have the strength to always be a leader,
And never falter from that path?
Yes I do.
I know that deep down,
I am the one to lead others.
Shepherd them from one place in their lives to another.
I do not know if it will be worth it my whole life,
To have someone follow me,
Idealize me for what I am,
When I am not that special.
When nothing about me screams exceptional.
I do not understand why people will not let me be.
How am I depressed?
Why do you want to drug me,
Knock me up with amphetamines so that I will be "happy"?
What good is it going to do for me?
That won't work.
It will just make me and my hyper activity worse.
I'll climb the damn walls that way.
I'll end up in the nut house.
I'll be committed.
Does the world really hate me that much that they would try it?
Would they try to put me in that padded room?
That is so wrong.
They can't do it.
Comedy turns to jeopardy.
Jeopardy for my freedom.
I can't let it happen.
I will stay free.
Now I sound paranoid,
And you are probably thinking
"The nut house would do her some real good for a while."
But I am telling you,
I am perfectly normal.
Well as normal as one can get,
And still be sane.
Laughing my ass off now.
Maybe I am crazy.
Oh well. So be it.
The more crazy sometimes the better.
Ah sweet insanity.
I feel the difference from the sane world.
Insanity embraces you.
It is almost the nicest thing to feel.
Your mind ebbing, flowing.
You go where it leads.
Follow where it will draw you.
It is almost an anticipation high.
I feel my thoughts breaking up.
I feel them cracking from the inside out.
It feels disjointed,
My mind floating from one thought to another,
With no thought as to what is happening.
I like this disjointed feeling.
It feels right.
It feels peaceful.
Not to have to worry.
When worry enters my mind,
My mind pushes it away,
And I am swept to a different thought.
I like this feeling.
I want to stay inside of it forever.
Don't medicate me!
Don't bring me back down!
I don't want "treatment"!
Leave me be!
If this is depression,
Let me stay inside of it forever.
Cause I don't want to leave what is blissful.
Let me be here.
Right here inside this disjointedness,
Where there is no rhyme or reason to anything.
I like it here.
Leave me alone.
That is all I want.
No, I want to be held.
I want to be loved.
No, I want you to be here.
GET AWAY FROM ME!
No, please say.
I need you.
The thoughts go no where.
And I war with myself.
I don't know what to do about it.
I need you.
I don't want you.
Help me, why won't you leave me alone?
I don't know!
My mind is a cruel trick played on me.
The Fates are after me again.
I want you.
I say yes damn it.
Don't leave me.
Stay with me.
Help me please.
I am broken.
Help me be fixed.
Even if only half way.
I need the feel of you on me.
I need the warmth of you near me.
Your lips fire on my skin.
Is this real?
Is this fact, or the fiction in my head?
Is this what all girls seek?
Is this tenderness?
Have I found it?
Does it truly exist?
Or is this the fiction that I have always thought it is?
Is nothing real in life?
Is it all a dream?
Is even a dream real?
Can I believe in anything?
The softness of your touch?
The gentle touch of your caress?
Is nothing real?
Can I believe in nothing?
Or is there one thing in this world worthy of believing in?
Maybe it is a dream,
A wisp of imagination.
Nothing but a figment of illusion.
Yes I think.
There is illusion at work.
Nothing but a dream that was never real.
But I believe it is.
Softness of your touch.
It is something I have never felt in my life.
Something I love to crave.
Something I think I can't live without.
I want it so bad.
There is nothing I need,
Save one thing.
Bring it to me,
Let me have it.
What is it I seek?
I do not remember.
The tenderness I thought I felt,
Was it an illusion?
Was it true?
Are you true?
Can this be real?
Can I really feel someone's gentleness?
The fragments of my mind play a trick on me,
And I am swept away inside of that current.
My mind goes from one place to another.
My brain refuses to stop thinking.
I can't control it anymore.
My mind jumps from one thing to another,
There is no stop,
That is what I crave more than anything.
I crave peace.
That is what I want more than anything else.
I want everything to cease,
And be still.
I want it all to stop,
As if the world stopped rotating in space.
I want everything to come to a complete stand still.
Though I know it isn't possible.
Let my mind be quiet for just a minute.
That is all I want.
I want to be still.
I want everything to freeze in mid motion,
And be motionless,
Tell me for once that you love me.
Help me to believe in it.
Help me to believe that I can be loved,
When I know I am not worthy of it.
I need to believe that someone is capable of loving me,
Because I am me.
Not because I am a woman with a damn pussy.
That is all men seem to want.
They don't want me,
Just my body.
Help me to believe that I am wrong.
That you do want me because I am me,
Not because of my sex.
Help me to feel desirable.
Help me to feel needed,
I am haunted,
The demons run deep.
Help me to silence them,
Show me that is so easy to tell them be quiet,
And still them forever.
I am tortured inside of my own mind,
Trapped inside of myself.
The shell cracks from within,
I try to break free.
I cannot do it alone.
I need the help of someone who loves me,
The touch of someone who is within me.
Is the touch I seek,
The help I need,
Going to come from you?
Are you the one I desperately need?
Is yours the touch I crave?
Is yours the longing I feel?
I feel the ghosts flying inside,
I feel the demons beating me down.
I cannot emerge from the shell alone.
I cannot break free from what haunts me.
The memories swarm,
The images take over my eyes.
All I see is the horror I have lived.
What else is there to see?
What else is there to live?
What else is there at all?
It is all I know.
And all I hear is let it go.
I can't do that,
I wish people would understand.
The shepherd is the herded.
Guided, led by demons.
They possess me,
Keep me safe.
Am I safe?
I need to know.
I need to know that inside of your embrace,
The world doesn't exist.
I need to know that inside of your arms,
Everything but us is not there.
Can you protect me from the demons that haunt me.
Can you protect me from the abuse I put myself through,
To silence the demons for a little while?
Can you keep me from the harm I cause myself,
So I don't feel the pain of the haunted?
Can you keep me safe from me?
Can you block out the demons?
Can you bring me peace?
No one can.
If only it were that easy.
Easy to forget.
Easy to believe in something other than the pain.
Easy to believe that peace is possible.
When I know none of it is.
The shepherd herded again.
The demons that haunt me,
Herd me from one place to another in my mind.
They lead me,
Bring me here to there.
I am a puppet the demons of my mind manipulate.
Plagued with loneliness.
It is only because of them that I can't get close,
That I keep my distance.
I am afraid of what will happen if someone gets to close to the inside.
I don't want anyone to know it.
I don't want anyone to see the demons.
To see the pain.
The pain I live with is to personal,
To deeply rooted inside of my mind.
I cannot just let it go.
I cannot just tell it go away.
Why does no one understand that?
Why is it so hard to accept the touch of one who loves me?
Because I doubt in that love.
I doubt in what he feels.
I wish it were so easy to believe in.
I wish it were so easy to let it happen.
My only question is,
Will it happen with you?
Are you the one I need?
Are you the one I seek?
I feel you are.
Know you are.
Want it to be you.
Know it's true.
It is you.
That is what I want so badly.
Need so desperately.
Is this manic?
Is this depression?
To need someone so much,
You manifest physical pain in place of affection?
In place of softness?
You are what I need.
I believe you are.
I know you are.
Soon, we shall know.
And sooner still,
The answers will be given to the rest.
With just one look,
Just one touch,
We will know the truth.
We will know the path that awaits us.
Whether our destiny's be crossed or not.
I know they are.
I know I want them to be.
I know that nothing will stop what is already in motion.
The rest is a mystery.
As it always will be.